A Cry...

Current Mood: Dissed&Mis-taken
Thinking Of: ...

I know it's only been a few hours since my last entry but I just can't help it. Plus the fact that I don't have my journal with me at the moment. I just got off the phone with him and it didn't end very well. I just wanna write what is aching inside before it bursts out any moment...*sigh*

Am I living a lie?
Situations that hurt me the most are the hardest for me to express.
How long am I going to hide this pretentious mask of misery and merciless retribution without looking conspicuous?
It's torture when it's hidden with a smile, a laugh. Yet it's hard to give it away.
It's hard to heal, hard to feel.

How long am I going to live my life when there are deep dark shadows, taunting me, hurting me, testing my inner being?
& when it shows I'm being scorned by endless retorts, never ending mockery.
I end up with grief and guilt; & every mistake I make is a road to self-pity and brokenness.
I am unable to notice that I am actually, ACTUALLY greater than this, as it is heightened down by a web of depression. It leaves me to a contemptious act of immorality in my behaviour.

I don't know what I'm writing here.
These hands, my thoughts, my heart is leading me astray.

Why the hell do I have to cry? Why can't I stop these bloody tears?
How far can I put up with this deep remorse?

Pray, is there anyone, ANYONE who can help me break loose?

I'm once again back in the black hole of eternal wasteland; back to where before I found peace.
I thought I had found it. I thought my life was gonna be normal.
*sigh* all the way to the grave this pain will remain...
Swimming forever in the worst part of my memory...

When will this ever end?

-signing off- 2:15 pm (Same day 22/01/06)