Mixed Emotions

Current Mood: Confused
Thinking of: him, naturally!

Sometimes, I find it hard to understand how my feelings work especially when it's about him.

There are inevitable moments when I miss him and I ache for him wanting to hold me, and it's fantasy about a thousand heartbeats with the wind blowing on my face as I float over to him on the highest of cloud nines; arousing retardedly "mooshy" poems, romantic songs and rose petals.

Then, there are those infuriating times where I feel like my heart's being pinched and I just wanna hold out that gnarly feeling by crushing him beneath me.

Yet again, there are those painful moments when I feel like a distance away from him and my heart's flown by the breeze.

Argh!

Well, this is how love works, huh? In this case, it's like a million kazillion questions that keep hovering over my mind.

I know, I'm not making sense again! Like I said, I AM THE STORY TELLER. BEAR WITH ME!

Anyway, I'm exhausted. These days have been rather wasted for me particularly today when I feel semi-irritated. My eyes are a little blurry and my whole body feels like a bag of marshmellows. hehe (He calls me that! What a coincidence!)

Ok! Not only my eyes seem blurry but it seems to be affecting my head, too! Well, it's all I can think up for now. Pardon my weirdness.

I'm just really tired, ok?

-signing off- 9.18 pm (Monday 6/02/06)

Far Away

Current Mood: pensive
Thinking Of: many a things. . .

First post of the month. It's February already by the way. Funny how time flew by so fast. It only seems like yesterday when I said my first words. Hehe. I'm exaggerating, as usual.

But face it, it's true. sigh

I haven't got much to say as of today. Well, considering, it's a Sunday and all I did was bum around like I always do; going about my mundane routine of eat, sleep, eat, sleep and not forgetting to mention watching television and sitting by the internet, surfing my eyes out. Nyah.

Anyway, I've also been thinking a lot. Many thoughts have crossed my mind. One in particular is the fact that I'm off for college in a few months time and I haven't decided on the course and the school I desire without having to consult my parents.

They want me to be where I can be kept watch by my brother. But then, the campus that has the course that I want is miles away from where I was fixed on to reside. I'm still researching on a campus dormitory there where the school is. Unfortunately, my parents have set some issues on staying where the campus is co-educational. This is real hard. No matter, I just gotta keep my cool. Yet again...

Reality check: I"VE ONLY GOT LESS THAN 3 MONTHS TO DECIDE!!! Yikes!
Damn, others have already decided, and I haven't. How sucky is that?!

Anyway, enough about that. Another issue is, where is love gonna end up for us? See here,

Time and time again, people keep asking me,"what will happen to your boyfriend when you go back, Mae?"

Ulp. Tough question.

As much as I hate to think about it, it certainly is time to face the music. Love seems distant to me when I think about how life is going to be when I go and he stays.

Well, maybe, now's not the time to say anything. I don't want to jinx it all.

But then. . .

It does break a tear sometimes.

-signing off- 1:37 pm (Sunday, 5/02/06)

*sigh*

Current Mood: Distant
Thinking of: where I went wrong. . .

Let me sigh again.

sigh.

Once again, I've caused another fuss with my so-called unpredictable moods; it's frustrating, but I can't help it. It's my former gothic, rather, laid-back persona. Like I've mentioned before, it's like hidden gift I'm cursed with that was long before created due to my, er, pesimisstic outlook on life.

It's like no one ever did understood me when I thought they did. Worse yet, I can't even understand myself. So what is the whole point of me trying to make myself clear when I myself can't interpret what goes on in this frail mind of mine?

I still love him.

What are the odds of that? I pray each day that he'll be the one. But then again, I can't change fate. Destiny. Or whatever them clairvoyant phrases that some of us conform with.

Don't worry. I don't. I believe in Heavenly forces.

At times, when things like this happen, I wonder whether it's my fault or not. Or perhaps when I think it's not, I tend to twist what I have compromised at the beginning of everything I decide. *sigh* I'm not sure I made sense on this part.
I don't feel alright. It's hard to make sense as it is. Life's a solitary path for me at this moment. It depicts a depressing song accompanied by sad guitars and hollow drumbeats. Frightening.

It hurts when the one person I thought who could put my life back together hangs up on you thinking that you're just some kind of lunitic and claims he doesn't wanna put up with your s**t. Sure, easy for him to say he won't judge me, but who's to say he will? *sigh*

I still love him.

*argh* Anyway, no matter. It's only God who has the power to take him from me. And after all, I'm sure I'm better off out of his case soon before I drive him berserk.

Well, that still didn't make me feel any better but enough of that. I have other issues to deal with like struggling to earn my parents trust that I'm not just some stupid-o when they clearly don't.

I don't blame them.

Well, til the next sad, forlorn bullshit that spits out of my head. *sigh*
Fourth sigh of the day. I should get a prize for that. Ha Ha. Real funny, Mae.

Yeah. Whatever.

-signing off- 11:52 am

It's One Of Those Days...

Current Mood: Bored & Annoyed
Thinking of: ...

Ever had one of those days where you just feel terribly annoyed and you have no idea why?

Well, I do.

Today I just feel stupidly irritated and distinctively moody yet I have no logical reason why. Perhaps I do, but what's the point of explaining myself when no one might even understand? Even the love of my life doesn't. My parents including. See what I have to put myself with? It's frustrating, but, what can I do? Just keep it to myself, I guess. LIKE I ALWAYS DO!!! *argh*

*sigh*...

Anyway, it's Chinese New Year today by the way. A lot of visiting to do for the Chinese; as usual, eat, eat, eat and kids receive their Ang Pows (money $$). I did some visiting too with my parents last night. Only one. No Ang Pows though. *darn*

What the heck am I rambling about again?

Anyway, I don't have much to write about today. Well, considering all I did was hibernate. Zzz . . . *lol* Hey! It's great to sleep. It's like living in your own world when you're getting some winks.

Oh! And also, 'O' Level results are out. And, as usual, there will be happy faces, disgruntled faces, dissatisfied faces, weeping faces and well, just plainly satisfied faces after getting their scores. I'm one of the 'just plainly satisfied' faces since my grades are just enough to get me through. I don't really need it though once I enroll for college, but then, it's also a nice feeling when you get by one of the toughest high school exams that origined from U.K.

Imagine that! British people are people with brains you can't mess with. They're just so bloody smart. Like, half the population of big time professors came from Britain. And boy! Are they good! Though, I much prefer the Americans; since they use creativity instead of human limits. Yep! Don't mind me, I'm filling this up with crap again. Hai~

Well, my status now? Still strangely annoyed but recuperating. Just don't remind me about the things that might, like, piss me off. Yeah. Coz' it ain't a pretty picture when I'm outraged. Like, the other day. When I got "the news". But, no further details.

Well, til the next crap I come up with. Right now, just leave me to relief my senses before I might hurt someone. Especially THAT someone.

What a nice thought though. . .

-signing off- 8.35 pm

The Anytime Entry

Current Mood: Fairly fine
Thinking of: nothing much...

Hey! Just because I haven't posted up anything since Sunday doesn't mean I've neglected this blog! ...Like the rest of the other...err...unsuccessful ones. *ahem*

Anyway, thanks for the comments, friends!*big hug* =D I wasn't quite expecting any since all I did to open this blog was to post up unnecessary entries. [Actually, I'm not really good at editing blogs & making 'em look cool and stuff. In short, I'm ignorant! So help me out! Zoinks! =P]

Hmm...about the last entry; I'm not really sure as to how I just started rambling incoherently as if my life was going to a bitter end.
In truth, it's not. I was just...well...depressed. Undertaken, you know. And being a former laid-back gothic myself, I just couldn't help it. The words came out...just like that! Like I mean natural. Scary, huh?
Well, I guess I should be, like, proud of it and all; but it only happens once in a blue moon.

Honestly, my life has actually fallen back into place. Unlike the past years where I went through all of them crap. You have NO IDEA what kind of trouble I put myself into. It's pretty amazing I'm still alive in spite of it all.

Laid-back goth, I say?

Well, I mean that, true, I can be considered "gothic"- but sorta like in my own way. I have my own road having this gothic persona. Unlike those so-called gothic who goes all out and haunt within the depths of the night, I prefer a quiet, solitary path of darkness. For instance, I write dark poetry and dress up like the rest of the crowd although keeping in my own style. For the rest, gothic to them means black accesories be it clothes, shoes, nails, hair, attitude and even lifestyle once the sun goes down.

I'm actually talking about this TV documentary about vampires called "Vampires,Secrets Revealed!" and what I described above is downright accurate. Not that I detest vampires; in fact, I used to admire them. The way they act, dress, haunt at night. Like the movie, Chronicles of a Vampire:Interview with the Vampire and Queen of the Damned, you'll see what I mean.

But, bear in mind. I "used" to, okay? Don't get me wrong. Additionally, I fancy vampires that duel in battle with all them cool stunts and...and...and...

Ok, here I go babbling nonsense again. Please, just put up with me.
After all, I am the Storyteller.

I do as I please. Yeahhh. Right!

Okay, til the next gibberish I can make up. For now, it's "toodles!"

-signing off- 9.03 pm (Friday 27.01.05)

A Cry...

Current Mood: Dissed&Mis-taken
Thinking Of: ...

I know it's only been a few hours since my last entry but I just can't help it. Plus the fact that I don't have my journal with me at the moment. I just got off the phone with him and it didn't end very well. I just wanna write what is aching inside before it bursts out any moment...*sigh*

Am I living a lie?
Situations that hurt me the most are the hardest for me to express.
How long am I going to hide this pretentious mask of misery and merciless retribution without looking conspicuous?
It's torture when it's hidden with a smile, a laugh. Yet it's hard to give it away.
It's hard to heal, hard to feel.

How long am I going to live my life when there are deep dark shadows, taunting me, hurting me, testing my inner being?
& when it shows I'm being scorned by endless retorts, never ending mockery.
I end up with grief and guilt; & every mistake I make is a road to self-pity and brokenness.
I am unable to notice that I am actually, ACTUALLY greater than this, as it is heightened down by a web of depression. It leaves me to a contemptious act of immorality in my behaviour.

I don't know what I'm writing here.
These hands, my thoughts, my heart is leading me astray.

Why the hell do I have to cry? Why can't I stop these bloody tears?
How far can I put up with this deep remorse?

Pray, is there anyone, ANYONE who can help me break loose?

I'm once again back in the black hole of eternal wasteland; back to where before I found peace.
I thought I had found it. I thought my life was gonna be normal.
*sigh* all the way to the grave this pain will remain...
Swimming forever in the worst part of my memory...

When will this ever end?

-signing off- 2:15 pm (Same day 22/01/06)

Reminiscence

Current Mood: strangely bliss-ed
Thinking of: My past_

*sigh* I wish I could turn back time and see me. As in view my life back when I was a baby. Witness the real thing corresponding to what my mom had conversed with me earlier.

Maybe if I did, I'd say,"Hey, that's what mom said I'd do." Hehehe. Imagine that.
Clearly I am.

Life is such a beautiful thing when you're small and innocent. No one to care for. Such carefree moments. Living like there were a million toys of the world surrounding you.

My mom reminisced her life raising my brother and I and she subsequently said we rarely caused a lot of trouble unlike most kids. Sounds like a good thing, I guess. It could be the one thing that links to my characteristic and persona. Well, maybe it's not all that perfect.

I guess as one grow up to a budding teenager, one chooses to liberate oneself to either conform with the rest of the world or just be a plain nothing goody-two-shoes who live outdatedly.
I'm making of use of "one" as it not only refers to me, but refers to everyone else out there who've probably gone through the same thing I did, or even much worse.

Well, that's life.

Now, I wonder how it would be like if it was my turn to raise children. Would I have the same experience that my mom had? Or would I have to live grinding my teeth?

My mom frequently gives me these scary thoughts about my children becoming worse than I am and I'd know how she feels raising teenagers each time I make a mistake. I guess it's to give me an idea of how life is like raising teenagers. She tells me it's difficult but challenging each time.

Well, I'm sure I can work it out when that day comes. For the meantime, I'd sure like to enjoy my life as a teenager while I'm still one. =) Being one in your youth is a blessing.

Like they say, You only live life once.

I've still got a lot going ahead of me, I'm certain of that. So does everyone else. But there will always be a sign of what is one's calling in the future. Just take a lot and a little to get there because, a journey of a thousand miles always start with a single step.

*ugh* How cliche! Yeah, so, I guess I'll head out before I go cliche-ing again. *haha*

Till the next entry. And the next.

-signing off- 10:58 am (Sunday,22/01/06)

Dreaming.By.Day

Beyond the clouds...swimming into the sky...flying above Lake of the Unimaginable...smell of pastry wafting around the deluded room...mango vanilla ice blended circling around my head(huh?)& poof!

Eeps! I'm back in the room of reality, where all that was described were just images from my current daydream. Actually, in the Church Library where I'm completing the tasks Sister Shirley gave me.
But what's what's with the pastry odor? Well, right now, this very moment, I gots the craving for chocolates and mango vanilla ice blended from Coffee Bean with oodles and oodles of WHIPPED CREAM.

Mmmmmm...deelish!!! Hehehe

I don'd know what's gotten into me lately. Last night, after the Ecumenical Praise&Worship in St. Andrew's Church, it was raining heavily and well, giving up the "plastic plate cover" while walking back, I just decided to walk under the rain. And guess what?

It felt great! So great that I became so hyped up. Giggling profusely like there was no tomorrow.
Which reminds me, I should try showering in the rain again! Just for fun!

Then, there was also one time when I hung out with my Form 5 buddies after the school mag. help. After ordering one mango vanilla ice blended from Coffee Bean in Bandar, I got so sugar high on the way back to school. Yups!

Well, I guess it can be a frequent delight to one's life. After all of them s*** one faces each day and pretending to hide her gloom and misery each and every freakin' day. (that's slang!) Yeah. So it's basically ok...right?

Yeah, so this is the third entry I've done so far. Second for today. It's good. It's gooooood! *hehe* Anyway, I don't actually know what I'm saying here. You know, in all of my entries, none of it makes sense. So, even if I wanna say,"I know I'm not making sense," I don't have to since most of it doesn't.

Yeah. So til the next entry.

-signing off- 3.10 pm

Closer to Heaven

Current Mood: Bored
Thinking Of: ...

Ok, I must admit,"...nothing compares to the first true love.." -song Don't forget about us by Mariah Carey-

Well...yesterday, I hadn't planned to talk to him. As "cold" as I struggled to act, I just couldn't resist him. Long the days gone by I often have this aching to feel his embrace,yet another part of me just wants to feel absolute disgust.

But then...*sigh*

I ended up hugging him instead.
Not that it's a bad thing or anything..just. I WAS really hurt, you know.

Anyway, that's the least of my problems now. There's plenty more issues circling around me. Everyday pretending like nothing's wrong with me. It sucks. It's like showing a mask to the world outside. It's no wonder I'm still pushing to find what's really me. Anyway, cut out with the laid-back gothicness persona. I'm just really grateful there's still a heavenly force by my side.

I feel like narrating my life. In a story perhaps. Anything.

I'm not making any sense, huh?

Anyway, I'm in school now, helping out with the school magazine. Helping,right! *hehe* Actually, I just wanna get away from the house and avoid bumming and become a real couch potato. Yeah. Of course, it's good to be at home once in a while. And with me leaving for good to the Philippines in April, I'm probably gonna miss being at home.

Yeah, second entry. Til the third!

Nyah.

-signing off- 11:07 am

untitled

searching...searching...searching...

& click! "i hope i finally found it," i thought to myself.

ok, I'm not so sure as to why I wanna start posting up blogs. It's not my style to conform with the rest even how "cool" & "trendy" it is. Normally, I prefer the old-fashioned way of writing inside a journal. A book!

But then again, what's the harm in trying? After all, it's not like I'm going to post up entries that is private & demands total secrecy. Actually, the reason of starting up one is to perhaps, improve my standards of English and my knowledge of the language. Yeah. So, I hope starting up this blog will serve its purpose.

Yeah right! Whatever.

Anyway, days have been pretty hacked up lately. Trying to keep up, but how long am I going to hide my subtle fears and show a happy face on the outside when inside I'm tearing up.

*sigh* no one can ever live up to my expectations. Not even the person I care so much for. I'm used to it, but at times it can be rather foreboding. Lonely. Sad. Try as I might, I can never thrust aside this negative attitude. Maybe it's how i grew up. I don't know. It's hard.
Ok, maybe I admit, over the course of the time being with him, learning, living again, it's made me improve but then again...
What's the point?

Well, til the next entry then. I'm not so sure if what I have posted makes any sense.

-signing off- 12:02 pm